My trip home

Hi there,
I went home to Illinois to visit you this weekend. Boy, you are growing up fast. You're so smart, but I worry about you. We had some clashes this trip. It's been so long since I've seen you, andI feel terrible that we didn't get along very well. Well, I guess it's not that we didn't get along, I think we just haven't figured out how to interact yet. I've always played with you like a kid, because I want you to have fun with me. But I think that's led to a little confusion about my role in your life. You see me as a playmate, another kid to play with, so when I correct you or ask you to do something (or stop doing something) you resist. And by resist I mean refuse to mind, and at times, you can be really hurtful. It breaks my heart to see you behave this way, and to correct you, because I know it's not your fault. You're too young to be held completely accountable for your behavior.

As I write this, I wonder what purpose it serves. Am I writing this to someday show it to you? If so, why? I'm afraid that when you grow up, you'll only feel guilt, or worse yet, nothing, when you read this. And what if I leave this out of the copy I let you read? Am I just writing this for me? Why? This is not the kind of thing I want to remember. I guess I just need to process it, and take responsibility for the mistakes I've made as an aunt.

The first mistake I made was moving away from you. I left Illinois about a month before you were born. Someday I'll tell you why. I didn't get to meet you until you were a few days old. It killed me to be so far away when you made your way into the world. But at the same time, I don't think you'd like me as much if I lived closer. I don't see you that often, so when I do, I want to make it as fun as possible, so you remember me and want to play with me. If you saw me all the time, it wouldn't be that special.

I think I've written enough for tonight. I'll fill in some blanks later. For now, know that I love you and would do anything for you. Absolutely anything.

Missing you

I'm missing you a lot today, little Hurricane. I just met Jenn and Brian's new baby boy last week. He's such a sweetie and I can't help but remember how sweet you were at that age. You'll never know how much it kills me to be so far away from you. Especially when I talk to you on the phone and you tell me nobody takes you to church. I should be there to take you. That's what Godmothers are for.

But I'm excited today. There's a chance I may get to see you soon. I'm planning to come home for the weekend in a couple weeks. My acting teacher from Spoon is retiring and they're having a party for him.

Well, I'm not keeping up this blog like I'd intended, but I'll keep it up here so that every now and then when I'm missing you I can log on and tell you a story about yourself, or me, or your dad!

My first blog-for my precious little Isabelle

My dear sweet niece Isabelle,
I wanted to write you a journal to let you know how cool I think you are, and how proud I am of you, and this seems like the easiest way to do that. I may not be able to keep up with it, but I'll try. I'm finding that as I get older, I forget things really easily, so I want to write down the things I remember about you so I can tell you about them someday. I love you so much and I'm so proud to be your aunt. I hope you enjoy reading it. You are my favorite kid in the whole world and I pray your life turns out the way you want it to.
Love,
your sappy Aunt Traci